Wow, I am a sheep
I was going to start off this with saying, “I am such a moron”, but I felt this title is more apt, and also has more foreshadowing. Also, I truly have been very “wishy-washy” as a friend called me, but I believe this is because I was struggling to obey…. but more to come about that.
Sheep are some of the dumbest, stupidest animals on the face of this planet. They can drown in a few inches of water, they will wander without cause, and their eating habits can get themselves into serious trouble. Not to mention that they never seem to learn. Correct them, and a short time later you will find them returning to the same action. Sheep are dumb! And I am a sheep.
The reason for writing this…
I am writing this to not only curb my own future sheep-like actions, but also to give those around me more insight into my own sheep-ness (is that a word?). This is so that they can come alongside me when they notice my sheep-like behavior and help me to avoid my own destructive tendencies. I am also writing this as I believe that more than one person has seen my struggle with obedience on this issue. I have sinned in public, so I will confess in public.
Ok, so to the issue at hand (or why I am a sheep). The (current) issue for me is how I spend my time, specifically my time spent playing videogames, and more specifically my playing WOW (do you see the foreshadowing now). WOW is World of Warcraft, a game that I have previously mentioned here and here. (Should you desire it, you can learn more about WOW here.) I have played WOW off and on for the past couple of years. This will be my third, and final, time of stopping this game. (See the sheep-like behavior) My reasons for stopping have always been the same: “it is taking too much of my time” and “I don’t feel comfortable playing this game anymore”. The reasons were sound, but each time, after the course of a period of time away, I have allowed myself to “push past” my previous reasons for stopping and return to the game again. Each time I returned, I pushed past the unsettled feeling that I felt in my gut. I believe this is very sheep-like behavior, and more than just a person who “likes something, but needs a break from time-to-time”, which was even a past justification of mine.
Actually, the real issue isn’t how I am handling my time, although that is part of the problem; the issue is one of obedience. You see, as many of you know, I am a Christian. This means that the Holy Spirit indwelt me immediately upon my belief in the Gospel (I Cor 15:3-4). The Holy Spirit is God, and one of things He does in the life of the believer is to help guide us in truth (John 16:13). In my life I have felt His leading through the pages of the Bible, as He has reveals truth to me; through the feelings that I have in my gut; as He tears through my own self-deception and shows me how my own actions/reactions are the result of a previous sin; and also through my brothers and sisters around me. (Note: All of the feelings, the understanding of self-deception, and the counsel of brothers and sisters in Christ must be in accordance with Scripture.) My sin has been to disobey the leading of the Holy Spirit. He has been trying leading me (in line with the above qualifications) and trying to impress upon me that I am not supposed to play WOW.
A Gray Area
I believe that WOW is what most would deem a “gray area” of the Christian life. My personal belief is that there are no gray areas for each person. However, there may be differences of conviction between two solid and growing believers, because it is the Holy Spirit that convicts us of sin, and He causes growth differently in each of us. Also, there are things are wrong for me that may never be wrong for someone else because of my background, genetics, weaknesses, etc. For more information about this, see Romans 14. Note: If I ever get around to it, I will link to some excellent sermons and treatises on the subject. WARNING: If you are doing something because it is a “gray area” and therefore “OK” for you, always seek guidance. This is a warning from my own life. Most of the time I get into trouble when I am doing things that are “OK”.
Sin!?!?
So why was this sin. The following are two passages, which I have learned before in response to other “gray areas” in my life, and they fit perfectly here as well.
#1. James 4:17 (NASU)
Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.
I can honestly say the Holy Spirit was prompting me, through my conscience, that playing WOW was not the right thing to do. Or better yet, that not playing WOW was the right thing to do.
#2. Rom 14:22 (NASU)
The faith which you have, have as your own conviction before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves.
My conscience was condemning me that playing WOW was not right. The Holy Spirit was convicting me, another one of His jobs (John 16:8), that this was not right. I felt His leading and chose to disobey it. Of course, this is also known as grieving the Holy Spirt, and is another sin (Eph. 4:30).
Further indicators …
There were several other indicators that I have seen in my life that are indicators that something was wrong.
#1. My desire for the Word and prayer was shrinking. Instead of having a passionate desire to hear from the wonderful Savior who paid for my sins and who wants the best for me, I wanted to play WOW more.
#2. Declining desire to be with God’s people. I felt less and less comfort around God’s people. Should they ask if I was “OK” I would have to “gloss over” how I was feeling. Saying I am OK when I felt under heavy conviction… Note: This happened Sunday morning and I need to confess that to the brother in Christ that I lied to.
#3. No desire for accountability / fear of being discovered. Although I was lying to myself that my playing WOW was “OK”, I didn’t want to be transparent. I also feared being asked about it by one of the members of my church leadership.
#4. My response to my wife and kids. Part of my self-deception that playing WOW was “OK” was that I had been spending more and better time with my kids. However, this weekend I lost my temper with the children several times and was very grumpy all weekend. This demonstrated that I was trying to be a better dad in my own strength, not by the power that the Holy Spirit provides when I am obeying Him.
#5. My own attitude. I have not had any peace, especially this week. As the Holy Spirit was convicting me, He removed that wonderful “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:4-9) that He provides when I am obedient to the will of God.
#6. My desire to be with Christ. As I knew I was sinning, I didn’t have a strong desire to be in Heaven with Christ. This should be my lifeblood each day!
There were other indicators that I was doing something wrong, but those are the “big” ones. All in all, I was left with a very clear conviction that there was sin in my life, and as I played WOW, it was painfully obvious it was the issue.
How I am going to respond …
To start with, I have done the number one thing that must be done. I have confessed my sin to God in accordance with 1 John 1:9 (NASU)
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Secondly, I have cancelled my subscription to WOW and will not play out the remaining days that I have on my account, nor will I return to WOW at a later date.
Third, I am going to be accountable. I gone to my wife and confessed to her my sin. Next I went to my accountabilitys partner and confessed to them what I have done. Should there be any other that I need to personally confess to, I will do so.
Lastly, I am writing this blog post for the whole world to see. I have sinned by refusing to listen to the Holy Spirit. My prayer is that myself, and others, will learn from my mistake.
What this has cost me…
Even though I have confessed my sin, it is not without cost. (Just a few of the costs are listed below.)
#1 My fellowship with Jesus Christ. Sin places a barrier in our relationship with God. Salvation cannot be lost (Romans 8), but fellowship can. Although I have confessed my sin and have been forgiven, it will take time to return to the place where I was.
#2 I have wasted time. I am commanded to “redeem the time” (Eph 5:16) and I have not done that. My time spent playing WOW was time that I will not get back.
#3 My money. The money that I spent paying for my WOW subscription was wasted.
#4 My brother’s birthday present. My brother was so gracious to get me the new WOW expansion for my birthday. That present is now worthless. I am also sure that this has hurt him because of my sin.
#5 My pride. Not that this is a bad thing, but it is very hard to go before someone and confess your sin to them. (In fact, even writing this post has not been easy.) Although this is a good thing, it is very, very difficult to do. (Thankfully the Holy Spirit assists with this!)
#6 The reputation of Christ. Whenever a believer chooses to sin, it brings damage to the reputation of Christ Jesus. My sin, even though it was known to only a few, has still affected how some non-believers view Christ. This brings me more pain than any of the other consequences!
Summary
I am a sheep. I have wandered time and time again, and I know that I will do it again. It pains me to say that, but I know my old nature. My need is to be soft to the Holy Spirit and obedient to His gentle leadings away from the things that are wrong and to the things that are right. I need to be transparent to those around me so that they can hold me accountable to the Word of God. I need your prayers, as I seek to walk by faith in the God who loves me and died for me, and to live each day by the strength that the Holy Spirit provides. I am a sheep! Please dear Lord Jesus, guide me as the great shepherd that You are, into all truth!